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<title>The Burden of the Sea by Breakfast_with_a_side_of_angst</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30000954">The Burden of the Sea</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breakfast_with_a_side_of_angst/pseuds/Breakfast_with_a_side_of_angst'>Breakfast_with_a_side_of_angst</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>We are Malachite. [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Episode: s02e10 Chille Tid, F/F, Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, POV Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Unhealthy Relationships, cus like they do be toxic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:47:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>531</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30000954</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breakfast_with_a_side_of_angst/pseuds/Breakfast_with_a_side_of_angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She builds a prison out of her mind - their mind - and becomes the captor.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Now that she is both captor and captured and she understands why all those gems kept her under their thumbs all these centuries. It feels good, being in control, taking her anger out on Jasper. She still hates them but she understands it a little more now.</p>
<p>......</p>
<p>Or Lapis as Malachite reflects on her previous captors, her relationship with Jasper, and hatred.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jasper &amp; Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli &amp; Steven Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>We are Malachite. [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2206635</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Burden of the Sea</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">When she tells Steven <em>“I’m not Lapis anymore.”</em> She means it. She hasn’t been the Lapis Lazuli that emerged on home world all those thousands of years ago in a long time. Perhaps, that’s why she did this to herself - to both of them. Perhaps, she is incapable of an existence in which she is not a prisoner. Or maybe, there isn’t enough left of her to be anything else but this monster they’ve created. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Lapis is so tired of being trapped. She was prisoner to the mirror for thousands of years. And really, she never stopped being a prisoner, but it’s different this time. She chose this...</span>
  <span class="s2"> <em>Didn’t she?</em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <em> <span class="s1">She builds a prison out of her mind - their mind - and becomes the captor. </span> </em>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Now</span>
  <span class="s1">that she is both captor and captured, she understands why all those gems kept her under their thumbs, all these centuries. It feels good, being in control, taking her anger out on Jasper. She still hates them but she understands it a little more now. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2"><span class="s1">And now, is she really so different from those who kept her imprisoned? After all,</span> <em> <span class="s2"> they too thought they were justified. </span> </em></p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <em> <span class="s2">She still hates them, but now she hates herself just as much. </span> </em>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">She should hate being Malachite, and she does, but she also loves it. She loves to hate it and she hates that she loves it. It’s a perfect contradiction, especially for a creature that is such a contradiction in itself. Like Jasper and Lapis you would think they were opposites, but really, just like Lapis and Jasper, they are two sides of the same coin. <em>They hate being Malachite. They love being Malachite</em>. It makes perfect sense, and yet, Lapis doesn’t think anyone else could understand this. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Lapis wishes she could hate Jasper, but <em>she can’t.</em> She knows Jasper too intimately to ever truly hate her. It’s the nature of fusion, even this fractured version; they know each other so completely. No matter how much Lapis wants to, she just doesn’t have it in her to hate this gem, who has suffered just as much as her. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Lapis knows hate as intimately as she knows Jasper. She is filled with it. Jasper thinks of hate as a bright burning flame, but Jasper doesn’t know hate like she does. Jasper’s hate is masked by burning anger, but Lapis has lived long enough and hated long enough for the anger to fade and leave a hatred which is more sad and and tired than anything else. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Lapis knows hate is the weight of an ocean you choose to drown in because there is nothing left. <em>There is nothing left but hate and loneliness and suffering. </em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">She doesn’t know if she loves Steven but she cares about him enough to make this worth it. Lapis does not know love, neither does Jasper, but if she is capable of it she feels it for Steven. </span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">But then again, it doesn’t really matter - <em>she isn’t Lapis anymore.</em> She is the weight of the sea and the burn of flames. She is both warden and prisoner. <em>She is their monster. </em></span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <span class="u"> <em> <span class="s2">We are Malachite. </span> </em> </span>
</p>
<p class="p1"> </p>
<p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">There is nothing else left. <em>Nothing left for either of them. </em></span>
</p>
<p class="p3"> </p>
  </div></div>
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